If you are looking for a career in the ‘lucrative’ medical field, you are in luck. This article takes about 10 minutes to read (5 minutes if you have completed 12th standard). Once you complete reading the article, you will know how one can become a doctor in India. You don’t need any medical qualification, you don’t need to go to a medical school or pursue an internship followed by post-graduation or super-specialty, you just need enough literacy to be able to read this article. So if you can read basic English, here is your chance to become a doctor overnight.

FIRST, THE CONTEXT

We recently admitted a patient with diabetes who present to us with severe abdominal pain, severe anemia, severe weight loss, and poorly controlled diabetes mellitus. He had a hemoglobin of mere 6 g/dl on admission.

He gave us a history that he had taken some indigenous medication from some quack in Rajkot. Since we had a similar patient a few weeks back, we suspected heavy metal toxicity hence send a lead level. To our surprise, the lead level came to 160 ug/ dl! We have started him on Chelation therapy.

We dug deeper into trying to find out who this quack is. He proudly calls himself a ‘Super-specialist’, has a Google presence and a website. It seems very clear from his visiting card and website that this person does not even have a medical qualification!

It seems he used to run a Laser center earlier. I am sure someone must have lost his vision, hence now he is concentrating on diabetes. I am sure you would be thinking, if someone loses his vision or someone has lead levels to the extent which can potentially kill him, surely the health authorities in India would take some action against him, right? You are so wrong. Not only is this guy flourishing in this ‘practice’ but he also has a picture on his website which shows him receiving an award from the Chief Minister of Gujarat receiving an award for ‘Curing most number of patients with diabetes and kidney failure’.

HOW TO BECOME A DOCTOR IN 10 MINUTES IN INDIA?

It’s very easy to become a doctor in 10 minutes in India.

1.     Write the term ‘Dr.’ in front of your name.  Who said you need medical education for that? If you think you are a doctor then you are a doctor. In India, it is allowed. Trust me.

2.     Rent a place in the middle of the city and put up a board saying you will cure patients of every disease under the sun with some home-made medications. Call it ‘Ayruvedic’ because if you say its ‘Ayurvedic’ our AYUSH ministry will allow you to put any toxic heavy metals in your product. You are allowed to make any poison in name of Ayurveda and basically destroy the ancient Indian science of healing.

3.     Do some online promotion. Make a viral video which claims everything from Diabetes to AIDS is a fake. Have a website have some pictures with our Chief minister on the website or our beloved Prime minister of India to endorse you in one of his ‘Chai pe charchas’.

4.     Mint money. Nobody can touch you if you have a picture from CM, an endorsement from PM and permission from AYUSH ministry. All this is allowed in India.

WE NEED MAGICIANS NOT DOCTORS.

I wonder why the health ministry of India is so worried about the poor doctor-patient ratio in India. Why do we need more medical seats in India? We don’t need doctors, we need magicians. In fact, I propose a bridge course where anyone who practices magic can apply for a medical license after a short 10-15 min bridge course.

In India, our patients don’t seek medical care. They seek ‘magical care’.  A patient comes to me with poorly controlled diabetes mellitus.  I prescribe him Insulin and ask him to check sugars daily and inform me so that I can titrate his insulin dose. He never sends a single message. He comes back to me after 3 months saying his sugar is not controlled. I ask him, ‘Why don’t you inform me your sugars so I can titrate you Insulin dose?’. His answer, ‘But I did not start Insulin at all’!

So basically, the patient expects that when he sees me and pays my fees, his sugars will be controlled automatically. He doesn’t need to follow any advice I give him. I am like some demigod. A patient comes, places money in the ‘dan-peti’, I bless him with good health and ‘Abracadabra’ his blood sugar will be controlled.

It is sad that they don’t teach Magic in medical college. When you practice you are not supposed to practice medicine, it has to be pure magic.

ADVICE TO QUALIFIED DOCTORS

Here is my advice for qualified doctors. It is sad that you had so spent so many years to study medicine. I am sorry, we cannot bring your youth back. The time you could have spent networking with politicians was lost networking with ‘videshis’ like Harrisons and Davidsons.  [© Dr. Om J Lakhani] However, all is not lost. You can still learn a lot from these ‘magicians’ who don’t have any medical qualification but can cure every disease. If you follow these steps, your practice will double in 7 days, 100% guarantee.

1.     Promise 100% result. If you are a surgeon and some patient asks you what are the complications expected from surgery, your answer should be standard, ‘It has no complications’. We will 100% cure you, you will be a new person from tomorrow.

2.     Don’t give advice. Give blessings. If a patient comes to you with obesity, instead of wasting time talking about calorie and exercise, bless him they, he will lose 10 kgs in 1 month. Your blessings would work more because your advice is anyways not going to be followed.

3.     Stop prescribing pharmaceuticals. Mix a few drugs in your secret lab and give it to a patient in small packets without any label. Patients are more likely to take medications from unlabeled bottles or wrapped in newspapers than from scientific foil packs.

4.     Stop wearing your white coats. It scares people. They develop ‘White-coat’ hypertension. Instead dress like a Pujari, Maulvi or Priest. Your patients are more likely to trust you then.

Finally, share this article with your friends and family members who do not have a medical qualification. If they read this, they too will be able to practice medicine without any medical qualification. After all, we need more doctors in this country, right?