I’ve finally accepted that all doctors are uniformly and completely corrupt.

I’ve finally accepted that all doctors are uniformly and completely corrupt. There’s no hiding from this obvious truth. It must be true because the greatest intellectual of the modern era, Bollywood superstar and busybody Aamir Khan, says so. Another great humanitarian Akshay Kumar has confirmed it in a movie called ‘Gabbar Is Back’ which showcases the greed and bloodlust of doctors. Since this movie is earning crores at the box-office, it must be a true depiction. Politicians have been constantly making statements about it, and news anchors have been screaming it into our bedrooms every night – leaving no doubt at all about the festering bog of dark slushy corruption that doctors have immersed themselves into.

So I have decided to pull my ostrich head out of the sands of self-deceit and acknowledge this fact. And do something about it. And since, the best way to do something (as Confucius advises) is to tell everyone else how to do it, I have drawn up a complete list of what doctors should and should not do.

Characteristics of The Ideal Doctor

Let us start right at the beginning. Firstly, as the Supreme Soul Aamir Khan says, doctors should not be persons of high IQ. Now since Aamir himself was barely able to pass school and is still able to issue guidelines about such advanced medical issues as how to treat Chronic Kidney Disease, this must be true. So I suggest that only students who find themselves classified as morons or idiots by their school teachers should appear for Pre Medical Examinations. While most readers will immediately agree to this statement, the less discerning reader might inquire as to how such intellectually un-blessed students could be expected to pass such a tough examination? My suggestion is, that since all PMTs are MCQ based, students rely upon the throw of a dice to determine the answers. Whichever number appears should be ticked as the answer. If it happens that the number 5 or 6 turns up on the dice, that question should be skipped. Another very effective method could be to simply close one’s eyes and pray to God before ticking answers at random. Since patients treated by such doctors would most certainly depend mostly on prayer, this method sounds the most logical and appropriate.
Supreme Soul Aamir Khan also says that doctors should be motivated not by money, but by the spirit of selfless service to people. After all, it’s perfectly logical and rational to believe that someone would devote 12 years of youth in study and another 3 years in low-paid residency to perfect oneself just to get the opportunity to do noble, selfless service to other people. Isn’t this exactly what engineers, chartered accountants, bankers, bureaucrats, lawyers and Bollywood actors do – selfless and tireless service to society? Why then should doctors be any different? Also, youngsters should remember that the true rewards of selfless service are not monetary in life, but heavenly in the afterlife.
A good doctor should never, ever think of money. He should treat people free, because money has been ordained by God only to be used by Bollywood actors and lawyers. The less intelligent reader might inquire as to how doctors can survive without money? That question is very easily answered. A good doctor should study the lives of great men like Mahatma Gandhi, Anna Hazare and Arvind Kejriwal – and like them – learn to subsist on sips of mere air and water. Readers of even lower intelligence will ask how such a good doctor would be able to afford a house, buy a car, buy smartphones and iPads and send his children to English medium schools? I would simply retort to such readers – did Mahatma Gandhi ever do any of these things? A good doctor should travel by foot (good for health) and send his children to the excellent and free government schools that our marvellously efficient government has provided in every village and city of India. As for a house, why the hell does a doctor need a house? Isn’t a doctor supposed to stay 24×7 in his hospital, so that there wouldn’t be any delay in attending a patient?
Right from his student years, a doctor should cultivate superpowers within himself. Superpowers are extremely crucial for a good doctor. For instance, a doctor is supposed to instantly get up at any hour in the night for such dire emergencies as a sneezing patient and be of perfectly clear mind while doing so. Also, a good doctor never really needs any expensive investigations. If he has paid sufficient attention in his superpower-cultivation classes, he should be able to see right into a patient’s deepest organs and easily diagnose diseases ranging from bronchitis, tuberculosis, Crohn’s Disease, diverticulosis, heart attack and kidney failure to AIDS and cancer. A competent doctor never uses any expensive medicines, but cures even the most complex cancers with simple remedies like crocin and good wishes. The only guidelines a doctor should follow for any treatment are those outlined in The Principles Of Medicine and Surgery written by Supreme Soul Aamir Khan (the first edition of this incomparable tome is yet to be printed however, because of the minor problem that Aamir Khan, being busy in such philanthropic activities as shooting for his next blockbuster, has been unable to master the English language sufficiently to be able to write a grammatically correct sentence in it. Till he does so, the student is advised to refer to the instructional videos by this great master in a series of lectures titled ‘Satyamev Jayate’. Other excellent authorities in complicated diseases are Baba Ramdev’s Yoga CDs or your non-medical neighbour, who possess vast and extensive knowledge about the diagnosis and treatment of every disease ever known to mankind and aliens).
Unfortunately however, many doctors (from lack of sufficient application and hard work) are unable to master the nuances of these superpowers. Such doctors have to rely on modern diagnostic techniques such as X-Ray, Ultrasound, CT scan and MRI. However, such doctors should never ever charge exorbitant sums of money from the patient for these facilities. For example, the great charitable foundation called Zee TV Network has conclusively proved that sonography should not cost any more than Rs 3. Some doctors have objected that sonography machines cost anywhere between 10-20 lakhs, and that this along with minor costs such as rent and upkeep of the establishment, commercial electricity charges, staff salaries and need for constant maintenance of apparatus makes it impossible to keep costs so low. To such doctors, I have only one suggestion to make: procure yourself one of those easily available appliances called Aladdin’s Lamp. Every time you need money, just rub the lamp and ask the gentle Genie that appears. But for god’s sake, never ever be so greedy as to ask the patient to bear the expenses of the investigations that are being done to diagnose the disease in HIS body so that HE may be able to live a healthier and more enjoyable life. Also, never ask that Genie to provide you with such luxuries as iPads – those things are strictly meant to be employed by IIT and IIM graduates to play contests on Twitter.
A doctor should never refuse to attend to a patient. Even if he’s in a movie with his family, he should jump up from his seat to attend to a patient’s phone. When going to the loo, a doctor should always carry his phone, so that the mundane act of discharging his bodily refuse is not allowed to interfere with the noble act of discharging his duties.
A doctor should never find time for anything else other than his patients. He should have no hobbies or passions. He should especially never waste time on Twitter because it is the uniform opinion of Twitter that a doctor shouldn’t have time for tweeting. And as you all know, Twitter is the highest body of intellectuals in the entire Universe – people who know everything about everything.
It’s a well known fact that medical science is now so advanced, that all diseases are completely curable and all human beings are immortal. This means, that if a patient dies, irrespective of his/her age, or the seriousness of his/her disease, it is the treating doctor who has caused the death. Even a notoriously bad doctor knows this fact. So if a patient under his care dies, a doctor should take full responsibility and empathizing with the emotional rage of the deceased’s relatives, present himself in full humility to be manhandled and thrashed by them. If in the process of venting their rage, any of the relatives bruise their own knuckles, or splinters of glass from the hospital’s broken windows should happen to hurt some of them, the doctor should politely treat their wounds. He should also encourage them to file a suite of negligence in a court of law against himself, and be cheerfully willing to pay out the lakhs of rupees that our courts of law are only too willing to impose on erring doctors. To the moronic readers who ask how the good and selfless doctors will pay such money, I’ll point out the aforementioned Aladdin’s Lamp with its faithful Genie.
Actually, the ideal doctor has many more qualities. But my intellectual faculties not being as advanced as Supreme Soul Aamir Khan’s, I feel myself exhausted for now. So I will stop here. Maybe I’ll write another such article after having refreshed myself with that sumptuous intellectual feast called ‘Mela’

NB: The discerning reader might have noticed that in my article, the word ‘soul’ is sometimes an abbreviation of the longer word ########

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