Dr Harish Shetty

Falling in love is a natural instinct. For teenagers it is their first taste of affection as the sounds in their hearts marry the turbulence in their bodies. With families opening up to children’s voices, a vast majority of parents too acknowledge this phenomenon as normal. The responses to the same may be myriad and different based on the beliefs parents hold and the cultures they come from. The challenges here are many. Following are some scenarios that can unfold and are commonly visible in the world around us:

I am so happy!

As the mother and a parent of a teenage daughter slowly went back on her chair she said, ‘Doc I am so happy that my daughter is in love. At her age I too was but could never express this to anyone. I am so glad that she has.’ This mother was on a different trip but the good part was that she did not throw a fit. But one caution parents in similar states should exercise is not to gloat over the child’s love story but listen to it with equanimity and peace. This can happen if they allow their feelings of ‘elated joy’ to settled down and move from their experiences of their teens to the facts of today. Remember that having a boyfriend is not about ‘efficiency’ and not having it is not about ‘deficiency’. As long as her daughter’s self esteem does not depend on having an arm candy its fine. And as long as the girl is not on the receiving end of any abuse the little ‘boat’ of love may sail.

It’s not love, but a crush or an infatuation!

Many parents come and tell me that their teenager is not in love but has a ‘crush’ or an ‘infatuation’. I despise these words and tell parents that every feeling of affection is ‘love’ however fleeting or intense it may be. Sometimes it is 10 rupee prepaid or a one month prepaid recharge. Very rarely the first love becomes a lifetime prepaid. By using words such as the above one is actually demeaning the early first nectar of love of your child that flies and makes him/her very special. Let them share their feelings but at the same time see to it that their ship of life is on the right path. If the wheels of education, slips from the highway and veers into a narrow alley, slowly get them back to the main road. This may not be easy and a friendly neighborhood counselor may help.

My kid is in love but s/he may have a break up soon!

As the couple stared at me and shared, ‘My daughter is in love and that’s ok but tell us doc what are the signs of break up as and when it happens.’ I was not surprised at all at this as many parents are more worried of the aftermath following a break up. It is so important to educate kids that separation and union are two sides of the same coin. My survey says that kids undergo at least two break ups till they plan to settle down with a partner. Awareness of the fact that break ups do happen is as important as much as the awareness of falling in love. So when the teenager is distraught while being on the phone, is irritable or withdrawn, bunks school or college, has falling grades, mood swings, lies with a lot of anger, stays away from her group of friends talks about death or dying e.t.c s/he could be in the midst of a break up. Cuddling the child, being with him/her, accepting her with her bundle of agony helps early healing. I have been saying this for years that, ‘When a child is in distress hug the child a little longer and a little stronger.’ You may save a life. Statements such as, ‘I told you so’, ‘you are wasting your life’, does not work. As the dude/babe recovers rational realizations may dawn. Love has ‘birth, growth & death as Albert Ellis once said. But at times there can be a rebirth when suddenly someone posts on the FB, ‘I miss you’.  

Thank God she is in love! I was scared that she is a gay!

Many parents come to me feeling happy that their teenager has expressed love towards the opposite sex. Differences may exist and I respect them. Parents heave a sigh of relief when they hear the ‘I love you song’ from their parents as they see their kids ‘straight’ in their preferences. To me that is not enough. I used to say long ago to parents the phrase, ‘Trust your child completely’, but I have changed it recently. Today I say that, ‘Trust your child completely but keep your eyes open’. When kids are in love with much older boys or girls, it may be not a normal relationship. I see school going girls in love with boys in their 20’s. Most of the times these relationships are out of frustration, anger in the family, depression or a reflection of serious disturbances inside the homes. In so many cases girls have stolen money or jewelry and handed it over to older boys and they get dumped soon. Girls who are sexually abused in childhood and not treated may fall in love with any one without a thought. Judgment falters in many such cases. Counseling and/or treatment by a psychiatrist is a must.

This is not the age. I will ground her!

As she entered the kitchen the young teenager expressed, ‘Mom he is so cute.’ The mother fainted. ‘No love affairs now’, she yelled. As both the parents narrated their story I learnt that they were very authoritarian in their approach. The child stayed mum as she was grounded. As I saw the girl I found nothing wrong with her. Extremely good in both studies as well as her extracurricular relationships she was fond of a boy who shared her interests. Sad as she was, she expressed a desire to leave the world. I find this very strange that children nowadays simply talk about death and dying for any frustration experienced. ‘Wanting to die’ is the common reaction to frustration in youngsters. Education both at home and in schools should help children learn healthy tools to tackle day to day frustrations. Helping them articulate their feelings with parents, friends, teachers and significant others is the key. With the emotional contact time shrinking, in families children store destructive feelings for long thereby causing an explosion with devastating consequences. All attempts of helping this couple understand the situation failed but the saving grace was a sensitive teacher who could put some sense in them. Grounding kids may be necessary when they have faced abuse, violence, anticipated abuse or are abusers themselves. In relationships where children are suicidal, are using addictive drugs or are homicidal grounding them is a must. Along with this mental health counseling or/and medications are mandatory. Parents need to ease out and may also need to be counseled to tackle their beliefs, agony and prejudices.

My son’s girlfriend is excellent in maths, and I am thrilled!

I was so happy to see the delight in the eyes of a couple who expressed that they were very happy as their son who is weak in maths is in love with a girl who is excellent in the subject. Many parents encourage such a relationship and believe that such an arrangement is awesome. Well affection and studies may help a pair but there is no guarantee that this will last. Yet it’s good as long as it lasts. Well it is said that one does not fall in love but actually should ‘rise in love.’ The risks of a break up is as much as in other relationships though reasonably stable children with the help of mature parents can help both in crisis as well as in love.

I am ok, ok as my son and his girlfriend are from the same caste!

‘We got her home and talked to her, she seems good and from our caste,’ shared the parents. ‘We are inviting her parents for lunch so that we settle the issue’. The parents were happy that at least the love affair was within the same caste. I had to bluntly share that they may go ahead with lunch and dinners but also told them that there are no guarantees. Such arrangements are fine but if there is a setback the parents should stand as one single unit to help both. Even if there is an inevitable break up the parents should assist both if possible.

My daughter is in love but is very depressed!

‘My daughter is in love but is very depressed’, shared the mother. After a long chat what surfaced was that the child in depression was clinging to several partners one after the other. Her grandmother also had suffered from Depression and so was her uncle.  Treatment of her illness brought her back to senses. Many depressed teenagers cling in love and the desire to have a partner is colored by their moods. Wrong choices may be a consequence in many. Treatment first before dissecting her agony is the principle. Many parents get lost in the love story maze and fail to realize that depression in their child may mislead them to reach wrong conclusions. In this case the mother squarely blamed her daughter’s boyfriend for her mood that was not true. Here she had sex with her boyfriend reluctantly as she felt that if she does not he will leave her. Sexual intimacy has increased among teenagers and this needs to be discussed in schools and families openly so that teenagers do not mess around with their lives.  Those on dating apps can land up in trouble and needs to be reported to the counselor early.

Five principles parents must follow when they hear that their teenager is in love are; 

firstly keep your eyes, ears and your mind open to their listening. 

Secondly any small evidence of abuse or an unequal relationship see a mental health professional immediately. 

Thirdly any suicidal thoughts in either or both the partners rush to the closest neighborhood Psychiatrist. 

Fourthly if sex is a part of the love an open discussion about the psycho social and legal issues should be done. 

Lastly if teenagers runaway from home and elope they should be brought back and counselled. Punitive action will destroy their lives. 

Posted 19 hours ago by Harish Shetty

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